Sunday, June 18, 2017

Coming home, "In darkness you'll be mine..."

They say "home is where the heart is".
Doesn't help much when you a somewhat of a gypsy and also a Gemini with a wide variety of interests and ability to take on different "personas" when the situation calls for such a thing.
When life circumstances get in the way of your ability to express yourself (having to move across the county and live with parents at 32 after a bad breakup) or your ability to even know who you want to be, or who you are at your core (depression is a motherfucker), it truly feels like your soul is homeless.
I've recently turned 37.
Many things are going well for me at the moment, yet there are till missing pieces and hurdles to master. I asked for answers, for some kind of guidance or a sign. I was making progress in my life, but something still felt wrong. A few days later, I found some pictures of myself from my 20s.  That period of my life was probably the happiest I'd ever been. And not because I was young and partied every weekend or had dozens of male admirers. It was really just me being true to who I was, until I let other people convince me that I wasn't being mature, "normal", etc.
I remembered how creative I used to be and how I was much more into tune with my thoughts and emotions. And how music kept me sane through all the poverty, breakups, etc.
Suddenly, I found myself listening to old favorites that I hadn't even considered in years. Even went to a few concerts.
 Got a new pair of boots. Dyed my hair.
Began seeking out goth podcasts and youtube channels for inspiration.
A swipe of vamp red lipstick here, a dab of my favorite vintage oriental perfume.
 "Opium and poison, jasmine and rose.."
 Reading poetry on the L train rather than scrolling my facebook feed.
Perhaps it's not what you do that makes you feel good, but rather the intent behind it.
A lipstick is a lipstick, right?
Maybe, maybe not.
My journey into the realm of goth music and love of a dark aesthetic began when I was a young child. In the future, I plan on writing about that more in depth.
For now, let's just say I finally feel at home again.

2 comments:

  1. I think that's definitely something a lot of us can identify with. I am definitely becoming more comfortable with merging my darker and lighter interests.

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    1. It can definitely be challenging to maintain your interests and alternative fashion sense as one gets older. It's easy to lose ourselves, but thankfully there's not an age limit to being goth, and there's no re-entry fee :)

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